The F-word No One Talks About

Thanks for letting me be so vulnerable as I share this with you. ūüôā
Oh…and excuse my language…
 
DISCLAIMER: Don’t take this post wrong.¬† You don’t need to walk around on egg shells around me.¬† You don’t have to hide your joy of family, pregnancy and kids around me.¬† You don’t have to keep good news about your family from me.¬† You don’t need to feel sorry for me.¬† And you don’t have to act like…whatever you’re probably thinking.
 
(In)fertility. 
 
It’s a word I’ve never wanted to use.¬† I’ve read plenty about but never¬†anticipated¬†I’d be using it in my own life. But it’s now a word that we use in the Ready house.¬† It’s a new word.¬†
 
So is PCOS. That’s what I’ve officially been¬†diagnosed¬†with.¬† PCOS stands for polycystic ovarian syndrome.¬† Basically it’s a disease that impacts many things including fertility, metabolism and mental health.¬†After several months of tests, dozens of blood draws and¬†tracking I’ve officially been given some answers.¬† But those answers are hard to process.¬† Because what they mean is that I’ve got some health issues to address.¬† My focus has shifted from getting pregnant to getting my body right. And that’s the most important thing.¬†
 
I’m not writing this post to ask for sympathy.¬† In fact, PLEASE don’t feel sorry for me.¬† Like, really…don’t. ¬†
 
I am writing this post because I feel like no one talks about this shit.¬† And everyone sees mostly good things on social media.¬† We rarely share in our suffering because it’s not the kind of thing that gets “likes” or cheers people up.¬†I feel like suffering is a part of “adulting” that no one talks about.¬† Truth is, we all suffer. In one way or another.¬† Nothing is as perfect as it appears through the filters on Instagram and the pictures, check-ins and stories we share on Facebook.¬†
 
For several years now, Scott and I have been trying to start a family.¬† It started long before I left my job in TV news.¬† But we didn’t really pay much attention to it.¬† I wasn’t seriously tracking days or weeks or months.¬† We were just living life and hoping we’d eventually get pregnant.¬†
 
Then, just before our 5 year anniversary and we decided it was time to visit a doctor.¬† As easy as it would have been to test Scott and rule that out, we decided to start with me because I’ve been all out of sorts.¬† Irregular periods, mood swings, weight gain, low energy and several other symptoms gave us reason to believe that there could be something wrong with my body.¬†
 
All the while, there was this linger pressure from the world. No one in particular was pressing us to start a family but seemingly a large portion of our peers were starting a family. I assumed they were looking at us like “it’s been 5 years, I wonder when they’re going to start a family?”¬†
 
If we’re going to talk about that, let me explain that I’ve never been the kind of person to like babies or children (don’t be mad or judge me).¬† I was always super career focused and believed that God was calling me to live out a life that didn’t mean marriage or kids. ¬†
 
And then I met Scott at the young age of 22 years old.¬† He was cool and all but I was still pretty focused on my career.¬† Except he was supportive of that. And that was even more empowering.¬† Eventually…I feel in love.¬† And then, I realized that perhaps I may have changed my tune about having a family.¬† No, not about kids, about having a family with the man who I loved with all my heart.
 
We got married with the idea that kids would happen eventually.¬† We didn’t try to start a family for several years because we were still so career focused. And honestly, because we didn’t want kids yet.¬† We were enjoying being married, learning about each other, moving around for jobs and traveling; there’s nothing selfish about that. It’s just the way we saw life and that goals we had set. I’m a firm believer that EVERYONE does what’s best for them as a couple and it’s not up to anyone else to decide if that’s right.
 
As I neared the end of my 20’s I started to feel this sense of a bigger purpose.¬† I find a ton of fulfillment in my life from the work that I do professionally.¬† And I now get to share that with my husband as we build a business together.¬† But that desire to also grow into a family had been placed on my heart. Scott and I have so much fun together, we think we’d also have so much fun with kids.¬† It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever desired. ¬†
 
We are certainly not a traditional marriage.¬† And never will be.¬† Scott does most the cooking (and cleaning…if we’re being honest).¬† We are a team always.¬† There are not husband and wife roles, except to love and respect each other.¬† We push each other to grow and we take on challenges as they come.¬†
 
And that’s exactly what we’re doing with our latest challenge.¬† PCOS is a hard¬†diagnosis. It makes it very difficult to get pregnant.¬† The day we found out, I went from “I got this!” to “my body is fucked up and broken” and back around.¬† You see, I only ever read infertility blogs about women who have always longed to be a mother. They talk about the pain and heart ache of trying to get pregnant, the drugs they take, the tears they cried and the way they feel incomplete without a baby.¬†
 
I don’t feel most of those things.¬† And when I read them, I feel like¬†something is wrong with me. ¬†
 
Instead, I feel this:
 
Sad.
Hopeful.
Inspired.
A great sense of purpose in the NOW.
Family in the people around us. 
Trust in God’s will for our lives.¬†
 
I share all of this because I feel like I’m not alone.¬† There’s got to be someone out there that’s going through this who feels similar to me.¬† It’s not that life has stopped or that life is incomplete without kids.¬† I’ve never felt that way…ever.¬† It’s more that life doesn’t always go as we planned.¬† Recently, someone told me that the ability to have kids is the great equalizer in life.¬† You know, no matter where you come, what you do, who you know or how much money you make, everyone can have kids.¬† Except when you can’t…which isn’t easy to understand.¬†
 
We aren’t there yet, by any means.¬† We’re really only at the beginning of our discovery phase.¬† I’ll begin taking some supplements to attempt to level out my massive hormone imbalance and hopefully also build up my metabolism.¬† And then in a few months we will explore our next steps.¬† We’re open to family, in whatever form that takes.¬† And we’ll continue to pray and discern what’s next for us. ¬†
In the meantime, we embrace what we’ve got now.¬† Our family is full of the people in our lives.¬† Our kids are, in many ways, our god children and the relationships with mentees formed in the last few years.¬† We’ve got this.¬† And God’s got our back.
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